The Rapture

So here’s the way things go.
Just before the shit really hits the fan, when the world is up in arms and everyone wants to fucking kill everyone else, but before the oil’s gone and the ice melts, JC comes down flying in a sunbeam and shit and takes all the real Christians up to heaven and they all go up with a big smile on their faces and a hard-on just from thinking of how screwed the rest of the world is now. And they are all naked. And it’s not the good people, cause we’re all sinners, I’m told. It’s the ones that said the magic words and spoke in tongues and killed their children with medical negligence that go up.

So now the rest of us are left down here and we all go ”WTF!?”. We’re really pissed that there is in fact a god and righteously pissed at the motherfucker for being such a jack-ass. And the amazon people and the altruists and the UN peace-keepers and the really nice people and you and me and everyone else, who are all supposed to burn, decide that we’re not going to take his shit. So when the anti-Christ guy shows up we’re not fooled or anything, but outright tell him that we’re going to make things better and we don’t need no fucking godsend devil to help us. In fact, we want nothing to do with the celestial fuck-ups that take such pleasure in watching our earthly toils and watching starving children and doing nothing.

And for the forty-something years we’ve got until that bearded-blond-blue-eyed-jew decides to show up again with his mutant seven-headed goat of a father we really get down to business. We set up a nice one-world government with one currency and we have an exceptional welfare system. We manage to get rid of the terrible diseases in the third world and curve down energy consumptions and emissions. Hunger and infant mortality are a thing of the past. There is no more ignorance and stupidity. Instead, culture, art and science flourish everywhere. Industry is focused on making life better for those at the bottom, instead of pushing the frontiers for a select few in the top. We’re living in bloody harmony with nature. For the first time in the last six thousand years humanity is completely godless and we’re doing just great.

So when the motherfucker comes down to bring ‘godly justice’ (and we all know how messed up that thing is) we’re very ready. And we nuke his nine-headed-dragon and his 144,000 male virgins and we throw chariots of iron at the big guy himself (cause the guy just can’t stand those things, he’s allergic or something). The guy starts melting like the witch of the east. And we give a chance to all the angels and archangels and cherubs and the naked raptured that wanted to see us burn. And we all grow and prosper and learn to live in peace and we eat delicious cake to celebrate.

That’s the plan. Just in case it goes that way.
Because I have to consider the possibility, me being all scientific and stuff.


~ by vandrerol on 2008.September.30.

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